Thoughts on coaching

• I was reading other coach websites and realised I do not have the experience to be in the same game. The qualifications I am seeing are diplomas, and talks, and many decades of experience with many “magic” testimonies.

  • I have a completely different career background
  • However, One did say “Sometimes they feel you have done something to them, but alas no, they have made the changes themselves, all you did was hold the remote control and hit the right buttons.”

• Trying to identify what their angle is

  • something positive to aim towards
  • work out what is propelling you forward; are you moving towards something for you, and what is the purpose of having it, what is your deeper why
  • once we remove our own beliefs and negative emotions aka the unconscious things that block our path, we are free to move forward and notice possibilities that were always there
  • love and compassion for others

• I noticed a pattern of helping people do stuff

  • by why? fulfilment?

• I took a Myers-Briggs Type Indicator test and it came quite clearly as a ENTP. I strongly relate to the description

• I need to relax and enjoy the process!

  • Talking to an artist today, she said its like being a child again and enjoying the exploration, limits off!

• Some quotes from Wayne Dyer

  • If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.
  • How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
  • Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.
  • When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.
  • You cannot always control what goes on outside. But you can always control what goes on inside.
  • Conflict cannot survive without your participation.
  • When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It’s to enjoy each step along the way.
  • You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with.
  • The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.
  • Doing what you love is the cornerstone of having abundance in your life.

Thoughts about therapy

• It’s nice to have a chat, especially in this time of isolation
• I can be more honest as there is no agenda
• Seeing thing from an outside lens
• It doesn’t seem to move fast enough
• … and unsure if it is freeing up the unknown
• Feel the need for guidance

Current state

• In general
  • I feel like I am wasting my time in life, falling behind, anxious
  • I seem unable to unconditionally give myself to my partner
  • I seem unable to find something I believe in
• Maybe we should talk about empathy
  • My lack of it
  • What that means
  • How does that impact my life
  • How can one cultivate it

Question

• Do you have expectation of the therapist?
  • more active interrogation

talked about

• Talked about current expectations from my partner
• How I am doing well with my son
• how I am not filling my need to be of service
• what do I most want?
  • love and be loved
• Why do I feel the need to carry and display the past
  • As a leaver? - This seems constructive and destructive.
• Why can I not snap out of it and provide unconditional love?
  • inability to love!

Thoughts video editing

• I found it hard to get into. but once I’m in there it flows
• I suit the pace and balance between organising and getting it done
• I have a good sense of emotional connectivity and know when something is speaks or is clunky
• I noticed it had similarities with the therapy sessions

media thoughts

• Noticed after discussing direction with my brother
  • I might suit a audio software development job if I don’t find something else
  • When looking at someone else’s tool that was similar, I noticed I wasn’t interested in it, or looking at the community
  • Maybe keep this ticking on the back-burner for now and look at something environmental
  • If we are in a race for species survival, surely it doesn’t matter whether I like, or am good at, a particular path. I even if it is just being an inspiration for someone else to drive forward.

Being motivated by low latency audio software

• Always more interested in tuning things instead of using things
  • Looking at low level code feels like touching the items I use
  • Without being involved I feel subject to someone else’s limitations
  • Is there a lot of ego there?
• However, it also fills me with dread.
  • This space where no one goes. Art where no one looks
  • So easily dismissed
  • Void of humanity
  • Slave to an illusion
• Do I really want to make another product?
  • A whole bunch of tick-box tasks
  • Creating a tool that doesn’t contribute towards something worth while like contributing towards the environment
• Seeing an old employee as part of the team of people working on the audio language made me notice some things
  • Feeling unwanted. Noticing he liked me but has never encouraged our friendship
  • Jealousy
    • Partner talking about him working with people all over the country
    • Stepping into his territory
    • catching myself, making sure this motivation was for the right reasons, something that I connect with, not in comparison to another
  • Hope that I might be accepted
  • Summarising
    • There is an ich to be scratched
    • It doesn’t need to be what I commit myself towards
      • I would have to work on acceptance that I would not fully engaged and capable within the arena
    • Maybe I could convert my existing ‘Jasper’ software while also keeping my eyes on the environment
      • How would my brother feel about that?

My note to my brother

I had to write about that audio software exploration in my journal and I noticed a few things.

• I seem to like touching the things that I use. Wanting to know what they look like inside.
• Approaching low level code feel like art where no one goes. The opposite direction of humanity and connection. However, I can see the SOUL code feels intuitive and there is a lot to easily learn about dsp.
• I wonder if converting jasper to be web based would something of use.
• I wounder how you would feel if I set sail on converting the max into code
• I should be doing something that contributes towards the relationship of humanity with the environment, not creating another product…

Home schooling - Little time

• finding little time to think

Working on old music software project

• enjoyed working with my brother
• noticed I was more interested in getting the software to work than making sounds

Reading Jordan Peterson : Maps of Meaning

• Enjoyed the prologue of the book
  • Although my life experience is different, maybe less dramatic, I can relate to a similar existential crisis
    • Loosing confidence in main cultural structures like coding, business, values, truth, law and more
    • Attempting to only make actions/opinions that I know to believe to be true, but left with nothing/little to say
    • Importance of finding out/ curing this frozen position

Looking back at coaching website

• Need to beautify / seem professional
• Noticing that other people climbed the conformist ladder further than me and remained with large ambition
• Need to write much more, reaching out to pain points, bridging with empathy, clarity and confidence building
• Maybe charge little, speak to Nina about her experience

A new year focus

• Trying to break from the family focused holidays and back into working out what I am doing.
• Updated my site to represent some of the directions I wish to portray myself as
• Feels like I need to bring together some of my thoughts again.
  • Map of models learnt
  • Focus on direction and ‘why’
  • Finish autobiography
  • Financial plan for the next 4 years
• What do you think is important?
  • Personal
    • Remain content with how things are
    • Remain content with change
  • Family
    • Felix’s attention needs to remain in focus
    • Family life needs to be sustainable
  • Work
    • Some form to contribution would be a good idea.
    • Would be ideal to find, and develop a contentment strategy, with some lifelong mission with grounded principles
  • Environment
    • I need to return to doing my bit
  • do I choose my sacrifice and head into detail, or do I remain out and look at the big picture?

Behaviour training

• I have decided to dual my journal with my twitter feed as an experiment
  • Consideration to what impact publicising myself will have and how I am approaching it
  • Expression of thought process for others, not narcissistic self obsession
  • Hopefully inspire some conversation and invite potential paths
  • As a means to create some content on my feed - is this narcissistic already?

Creative development

• Almost started playing a tune in the new studio. Feels like I should make a collection of tunes I like and try to replicate them. Listening to Peter Broderick and realising how he is representing the pinnacle of stage green to me. Some of his values I feel is so true, and others so silly.

Preparations for psychosynthesis course

• Start journal (this) by bring up to date
• Write High level course structure
• Order foundations google docs folder in prep for workbook

Preparations for personal therapist

• Start autobiography notes
• Snapshot of Personal character map. Including and salience ordering of values, capable arenas/mediums, vision
• Snapshot of salient questions

Conversations with Joshua

• What is a highly beneficial and plausible occupation right now and into the future?
• Above satisfying personal survival needs, such as finances to pay the bills and family attention to connect and satisfy the needs of my immediate loved ones.

Meaning

• Immersion in the details of a container promotes a self-deception of reality. It is visible through my own experience the beliefs I had for the benefit of the container while immersed in it were strongly purposeful, yet outside the container could seem meaningless or trivial.
• If the arena is correct, then it would include support for the agent being human and all the facets and limitations that come with that.
• Beliefs seem important in order to maintain the existing structures. If we all put our attention on metadata, many survival needs, such as health, security, law would collapse.

Therefore, to support the creation of transcendable arenas for all humanity might not be a positive strategy.

Personal integration

• Possible occupation of a coach
• Music for me would benefit as an expression of my agency for others to reflect from

Company integration

• Companies encourage a shared cultural ideology and orientation of the individuals that work there, but are often orientated towards capitalism values due to their need for survival in the current culture. What would it take for a company to listen to the idea of transcendence?
• Companies such as Shell and BT have announced the orientation away from the use of fossil fuels. However, their motivation might be from the wrong source, being one of survival pressure need to continue their existing capitalism values of growth instead of agape love for the other (environment)