Contact from company

• Body overwhelmed with previous emotional defence mechanisms defending from
  • Lies
  • Ruthlessness greed
• Feels like this could be different
  • Not needing to defend
  • asked to be approached on my turms
• Terms
  • Treated like a human
  • See where I can offer benefit
    • Else not interested in participating
• Express
  • Not interested in additional pain, but happily falling on current agreement
  • Want to see details before conversation

Random thoughts

• Low energy with how things are.
  • Feel like my sacred doesn’t exist and I am flapping in the wind
  • Kathryn and I are surviving, not loving
  • Felix is happy but notices and questions Kathryn and I bickering
  • Friends let me down again. Feel like giving up on them
  • House lender has pulled out and chance of another is looking bleak
  • Was hoping for some enthusiasm from my brother about my product idea, but have hear nothing back
• So what do I do?
  • My philosophy studies have given me plenty, but might have come to a point of peek return
  • My course is continuing and I am just riding it as is. The essay will consume me for a while.
  • Think about how develop my relationship with Felix and Kathryn
  • Think about the house
  • Think about developing friendships
  • Be easy on myself,
    • I am in a transition period…. not being in my element exposes areas for development
    • Note I have been unsatisfied for over a decade now… maybe I am going to arrive somewhere meaningful.. if not then at least I am trying.
• Try to think transpersonally
  • My well being is not separate from the well being of the world

Thoughts on how to continue what works

• I would like to find some way to have a discussion on what I have learnt in the week. Be it a podcast or just a group

Meaning crisis

• Even if one always chooses to be rational, one’s actions may appear irrational from a higher/lower level perspective.
• Links with the Small World Network, efficiency/resiliency
• What is it to be irrational? Romanticism? Affording breaking frame?

Thinking of making an online workbook for public use

• As long as it is super simple
  • it might be worth the promoting to make a bit of cash
  • it would contribute to my family finances
  • it would be helping people develop themselves

thoughts on family meeting

• The gathering wasn’t as heartfelt that I was hoping
  • Maybe we are just on different paths
  • I wish my brother would open up more and be more present
• We forgot to talk about Dad’s birthday
• I found myself getting a bit annoyed, I think there was background discomfort from the current flatmate joining. He was indulging in his own insecurities.

Thoughts on my focus

• I noticed when walking in the woods that I was looking at the trees and wondering about the how I might be interested in them. There was a:
  • moment of awe in the magnitude of details within it
  • dismissal as I examined the usefulness of the tree in my life
  • sense of freedom
  • sense of oneness
  • sense of beyond me, and a need to contain my being
  • strength but also signs of disease everywhere
• I noticed:
  • A participatory symbol
  • A relationship
  • A scale

Meaning crisis study group

• Great insight into how the brain works
  • Continually pulsating, breaking/making frame
  • consciously managing our insights, affording salient relevance selecting and wiring
  • proceeding with care/responsibility

family life

• Managing my partner becoming claustrophobic and irritable
• Making a balance between doing what I think is best and being a servant to my requirements to keep the peace
• Noticing being honest while walking away made my partner explosive. Not the best tactic!

Reading Jordan Peterson : Maps of Meaning

• Enjoyed the prologue of the book
  • Although my life experience is different, maybe less dramatic, I can relate to a similar existential crisis
    • Loosing confidence in main cultural structures like coding, business, values, truth, law and more
    • Attempting to only make actions/opinions that I know to believe to be true, but left with nothing/little to say
    • Importance of finding out/ curing this frozen position

Looking back at coaching website

• Need to beautify / seem professional
• Noticing that other people climbed the conformist ladder further than me and remained with large ambition
• Need to write much more, reaching out to pain points, bridging with empathy, clarity and confidence building
• Maybe charge little, speak to Nina about her experience

Thoughts about the old work partners

• reflections of how they double crossed me. I no longer believe as I did that they could have done it through self-deception.
• I felt like saying “why would I give you my friendship? If/when I stand in the way of your personal greed, you would not hesitate in stabbing me again!”

Driving in the car

• Quite annoyingly I fond myself becoming quite angry about old work situations while driving to some xmas music with Felix in the passenger seat.
• It wasn’t the music or Felix, but maybe I haven’t been driving for a while and it kicked in some past need to be in control.
• I though about conversations/meetings and how I might have handled them if I knew what was happening, how I would be more ruthless, insistent, direct, determined.
• I kept repeating some thoughts of “Why would I talk to you. You stabbed me in the back!”
• I wonder if I am convincing myself, or if I am reaffirming, or preparing.
• I know deep down, that the working environment was not my arena, I was only there for a while. I achieved what I wanted. It was no longer serving me. It annoys me that my exit wasn’t my decision, that people went behind my back, that it is another scare in my trust in human nature.
• I want to forget and move on, but it haunts me.
• Why?

Thoughts on chapters

• The limbo, the beginning, middle and end of a chapter is very linked to the stages of Will
  • As one has mastered the subject and anxiety turns to oneness with the arena, one creates room for another creation
  • During the overlap, there is a relationship dance between the two creativities
  • To survive, the new creation needs to see potential and then develop a strong force to impress itself into the arena
  • The space is not big enough for the two and the strong will puts pressure on the being will of the first.
  • With a firm understanding, the first can initiate the letting go process back into limbo, allowing the second the opportunity to master and lead
  • chapters seeming analogous to granular synthesis:
    

    

• With relation to the dynamics in the RD group:
  • There is a dance of play
  • Maybe I am asked to to role the frustrater allowing them to highlight, question part old frames and head towards the limbo stageMaybe for me, it is doing the same. To part the impressive drive and learn to listen

Meeting with the course tutor

• Reluctant to being one person to lead the conversation as I was wanting the relational dynamics trainer’s opinion. Instead I received what I expected from the meeting
  • The tutor was not present so could not give me the professional opinion of my questions of what was happening in the group
    • was the group heading in an unhealthy direction
    • was this normal and part of what was expected
    • was I in the wrong and am behaving unhealthily within the group
  • He shielded me from talking to the trainer and suggested I spoke to my therapist and waited for the next session to bring this up
  • Even though unwilling to help, he is at least aware of what happened to take into consideration in the future
  • I acknowledged that I did learn from this experience non-the-less

Thoughts

• Revitalised by the US elections and the potentiality of a greener mindset
• Should revisit environmental career avenues

Thoughts

• Sad to see more lockdown, brexit looming, america splitting in its political battle
• Sad for Felix when he needs relationships in his life. At least it is fortifying his existing and strong relationship. Also he is forced to spend more time outside (in the dark)
• Feeling a little overwhelmed with psychology definitions, but also feeling like they are slowly entering my life in settling and linking-the-dots form

Psychosynthesis weekend thoughts

• After a great two days of lectures with Diana Whitmore, I was disheartened with the relational dynamics again.
• I strongly annoyed one person with my eager and wide perspective. Followed by being picked out by three others as indirectly talking about them in a cutting manner.
• I know I am direct, with strong values of wanting to connect with reality, and values of truth, and that these at times are non-conformist to our current cultural-norm.
• I know I am not willing to conform to simply fit in, and that my loneliness is an issue in my life.
• I wonder how it will play out within the group
• I wonder on my suitability to work with people as a career
• I hope I have speeded up their journey
• I wish to make way with more connections within the group and further deepen my studies.

Thoughts

• Large recognition of a lack of trust in human nature, and that maybe this is where my lack of will streams from

Listening to a podcast by actualised on The big picture of Personal development

This was a fantastic summary and I need to go through it again making notes. I didn’t agree with his final statement that we have the capacity to know everything. Also, I noticed that he forgot something that feels, to me, a fundamental reason for personal development. Long standing species, such as a bee, has an optimal grip on being a bee as an agent in its arena. Humans, however, are not in harmony with their environment and therefore unsustainable.

Meaning crisis Study group

• Focus on existential inertia and gnosis.

  • Using psycho technologies (context) along with a higher state of consciousness
  • Activates and transform perspectival and participatory knowing, optimal grip on reality
  • Liberates from existential entrapment (stuck / stupefied)

• This was a fascinating discussion group and seemed really related to the conversation I had just before. I loved the description in existential inertia as this was a state I felt so strongly in the building towards my company exit. One could look at the exit process both as inflicted and self-inflicted, and to a greater extent the battle against change would have been a tricky one and therefore not really inert. However, I really related to this state as the need to understand what I would lose and miss out on was so great and unknowable. I wished that one of the coaches/therapists had role-played this scenario with me.

• There was a new guy on the group called Tim of whom I connected, meeting him with a similar level of energy, enthusiasm and pace.

Chat with course member

• I had some fears with how people may perceive me as having organized a course group social with no one turning up. I also decided to just allow it and not waste energy on such a thought. Someone did turn up halfway through the announced time. I chose to completely look over any thought I may have had in what that person may have thought about joining lonely me.
• We had a fab discussion, talking about our experience in the lead up to the course and during our first few days.
• A running theme of the conversation included the benefits of the course over simply self study. We both agreed that now was the time, and putting it off would simply lead to not being as deep the following year regardless of continuing the course or not. Also that we appreciated the aspect of play within the thematic seminars as something we all need more in life.
• I felt I got a little closer to the student with keen interest to continue pushing for more connection.