Where I am?

• Boat small
• Stability
• Still rocky
• Holding together but rustic
  • Some patches of no paint
• Small, low
• Respectful
• Moored up

Where I want to be?

• Large room inset into a hill in canada
• Large view of the woodland
• Designed for socialising
• Fairly minimal
• Autumn
• I have hesitation
  • Sounds a bit lonely

What is blocking me?

• Sales brochure
• Disbelief, distrust
• Disconnected

What do I need?

• Friendship
• Fun
• Playful
  • What does this mean to me?

Where I am?

• Boat small
• Stability
• Still rocky
• Holding together but rustic
  • Some patches of no paint
• Small, low
• Respectful
• Moored up

Where I want to be?

• Self
  • Safe background
  • Inquisitive - Room to explore
• Felix
  • Time
  • Role model
  • Loving
• Kathryn
  • Providing finances / time
  • Providing interest
  • Providing Love
• Freinds
  • Conversation
  • Small activities
• Career
  • Not big and in control
  • Free to provide benefit with areas I touch
• Community
  • Local - involved enough
  • Online - happy with change
• Environment
  • Individual choices
  • Contributions
    • Mindset
    • Nature
    • Wildlife

What is blocking me?

• An application
• Meaning

What do I need?

• Friendship

• Fun

• Playful

  • What does this mean to me?

• next week

  • validate how I have moved on - consolidation

• summarising
  • past impact on my character
    • even if not true, being open to it can open more beneficial responses
  • strong/skillful will has a defence mechanism
    • also my choice of partners / friendships show my alignment with that defence
    • recent neighbourhood worries, show strong / skillful will that might be quite damaging
• How do I love that as is?
• Need to get out of my head
• get away from theoretical learning and do something practical
  • physical conservation

Insights, future, practises

• Explained insights I will summarise here later
• Discussed future possibles
  • Continue with course
    • Break to settle
    • Refresh fellow students
  • Grounding in experiential work
  • Potential for app for supporting an inner-dialogue
  • Self study, freer to explore
• Lack of celebration
  • Relates to love of self
  • Relating
  • Aim to develop a self-dialogue with self to question my love of self

Love for oneself

• Hard to find a motive that doesn’t fall back to motives of survival
• Maybe when I was young, I missed the focus on self and therefore adapted to fitting in
  • Displayed in my focus of good will in creativity and work
• This lacks the need for expression and importance of oneself
  • Displayed the frustrations my partner has with me

My relationship with love for other and myself

• Myself
• …. as well as Family, Partner, Son, Community, Environment, Existence
• Reflect outside of Team, Coping / Stability, Greed
• Intimacy, Seeing & being heard

Therapy notes

• Transpersonal
  • Trust in the will of the Self outside of my field of vision
  • Still questioning, hence the study of psychosynthesis
  • Balancing my efficiency and resiliency
• Talking about Love
  • Eros, Philia, Agape
  • Can’t pinpoint what it is
• Thinking of my family as a child
  • Can’t remember the connection of closeness
  • Hypothesis of building up defence/resilience
• Techniques to open myself
  • Meditation
  • Music

Therapy session

• Great conversation over body, feeling and mind. I didn’t agree with all that was said, but it did allude to the differences in connection with feelings and the difficulties in connection and intimacy with a client as a therapist.
• Talked about
  • My stuckness,
  • Limitation bringing meaning but also self-deception,
  • The problem of why
  • I am here not to develop my will as I know I can cultivate it effortlessly, but to develop my capacity to love, myself and others
• Action
  • contemplate what love has meant to me

Therapy notes

• Similar behaviours since I have been 5
  • Maybe to do with my defence for my dad, protecting the less dominant
• Behaviour was like a 5 year old, less developed personality coming out
• Determined feelings of not being submissive
  • Feeling like being managed
  • I noticed my mum saying in the Mary call after the therapy session that she noticed she naturally falls into managing people.
• Suggested take turns having a rant
  • Own the feelings, don’t blame
• Identification of strong, good will, often skilful will to (but not from my 5 year old)
• Will is different to Love -find out why. Action: Note down contemplation thoughts around it first before studying it
• Maybe there is a lack of love in my life
  • Love for myself
  • Love for the other
  • Love from the other
  • The training that led to it, my goto defence suppressing it
• When I came out of the argument, I felt a hole in my heart. - use this in my essay with the interconnectedness of mind/body/feelings.

• Focus on my jump to will
  • Presenting trust for efficiency
    • Links to betrayal when it falls apart
  • Wanting to be challenging
    • Lack of focus on love
  • Current stuckness, no will searching for will exists.
  • Experiences in work, family, friends, course members
    • Too fast
• Looking at the past
  • Mum as free willed, dad as dependent
  • Seeing the advantages of separation of the dissonance of focus
  • Possible dealing with it by placing attention elsewhere, external
• Self-protection could be a disconnect to self
  • Focus on the needs of the other
  • Strong will + good will
• There is a lack of transpersonal will in regards to:
  • Feeling of meaninglessness
  • Poor foundations

Therapy

• Suggested strategic management at bristol uni
• We talked about the will and trying to identify an interesting area for study
  • When describing my experience of the will, I spoke of the different pushes and pulls through different stages of my development. She felt this was ideal for the essay.
  • Maybe just writing a bit would provide the question and conclusion.

Thoughts about therapy

• It’s nice to have a chat, especially in this time of isolation
• I can be more honest as there is no agenda
• Seeing thing from an outside lens
• It doesn’t seem to move fast enough
• … and unsure if it is freeing up the unknown
• Feel the need for guidance

Current state

• In general
  • I feel like I am wasting my time in life, falling behind, anxious
  • I seem unable to unconditionally give myself to my partner
  • I seem unable to find something I believe in
• Maybe we should talk about empathy
  • My lack of it
  • What that means
  • How does that impact my life
  • How can one cultivate it

Question

• Do you have expectation of the therapist?
  • more active interrogation

talked about

• Talked about current expectations from my partner
• How I am doing well with my son
• how I am not filling my need to be of service
• what do I most want?
  • love and be loved
• Why do I feel the need to carry and display the past
  • As a leaver? - This seems constructive and destructive.
• Why can I not snap out of it and provide unconditional love?
  • inability to love!

Therapy notes

• Counselling skills
  • worked out not to be goal orientated
  • agapic love
  • hard work wanting to tune in
• Rd session
  • noticed I was feeling superior over the person who had an issue with me
  • trainer found me very interesting
  • therapist suggested that maybe showing some love and interest is what she wanted to grow trust. This might have been more appropriate in a professional setting as I am not required in RD to do this.
• Given I have enough Wil when needed
  • Where do I belong?
  • suggested: Climate psychology alliance
  • Part time is fine.

Therapy session

• What do I want?
  • Be at ease with my situation
  • Be a good dad and partner
  • Be healthy in my exploration
  • Find something I believe in, some way to believe
  • I have found a plausible method to our navigation. But it still doesn’t provide a why.
  • What is my higher self / soul?
• Homework: explore imagination through a mind map
  • Possibly include cultivated personality as a feature below, newness above.

Therapy session

• She noted I had trouble with English early on and suggested a autism questionnaire. Other identified area might fit, so work checking out.
• I explained my new insights below, but the description seemed abstract and not so relevant.
• Asked me what is “soul”
  • I answered with a force that is from outside the perceivable self, maybe the level above gestalt

Therapy session

• Talked about my lack of relating to my childhood memories.
  • Is there something there? Might not be….
  • Other people got a lot out of the thematic session
• Talked about the RD group.
  • One of the people owning their issues with me which was a relief
  • Feeling like, and recieved feedback that the manner I handled the conflict was advanced
  • Noticing the difference of will from myself to the majority
    • Externally driven intuition, pattern seeking, thinker/perceiver, living in a sensorial culture
• Big questions
  • Why am I interested in the Why we do things
    • Are we just
      • relevence finding machines,
      • living in a culture of rules,
      • with a motivation to optimise the recepting and affecting process
      • end of story
  • How do we deal with our potentiallity becoming less, and not knowing the goal state or the problem space?
  • Is our goal to identify who we are? Does it help or simply fortify our belief.
• Homework: do some timeline visualisations

Therapy session

• covered relationship with my dad and how he in my life as my dad has impacted me
  • We covered things at speed, and although I may have learnt something, I’m not sure I was in the right state of mind to take it in, so I’m not entirely sure if I learnt something.
  • Will come back to this and give it more though in the week when I have time.

Therapy homework

Describe my view of my father

As an individual

• Kind, Giving, Good intentions
• Patient
• Quiet, Sulky, Depressed, Stands behind others

As a father

• Not present, Little tangible love
• Goes with the momentum, Not imposing, Avoids conflict
• Willing to give advice or assist with tasks when asked
• Consistent, Loyal

Within society

• Socialist
• Traditionalist, Loyal, Obedient, Follows rules

Environmentally

• Mindful, Good intention
• Opinionated (but only when asked)

What influences he has had on me

Positive

• Shown me patience, family loyalty and being of service has value
• Provided a consistent normality to fall back on, the simplicity provided me with space to find inspiration more organically
• Through my dad not being confident:
  • Shown me that a lack of self-determination can lead to an empty uninteresting life
  • Running away from dealing with conflict will lead to a disconnected lonely life

Negative

• There was a lack of conversation, and therefore not taught me relationship skills
• Had to hide the more adventurous side of my life through fear of disapproval and putting him in a place of conflict

How his character impacts me now

• I live an independent life, with a lack of family connection. I value them with a sense of joy in avoiding the unimportance of some cultural norms, that they will always be there. However, I lack the agapic love.
• I have been striving to prove myself as someone that is interesting and has worth as an individual. However, this is appearing fruitless too.

What changes might be suggested

Therapy session

• Relieved to be approaching the big questions of pointlessness etc
• Felt like we covered familiar ground. However, hopefully simplifying these thoughts and holding in context may lead towards surfacing the right questions and actions.

Therapy session

• Having spent a number of days feeling frustrated and beaten up by the incident going forward, I could only bring it up as our topic of conversation
• Things taken from our conversation:
  • Be aware that they might feel pushed on too much / too quickly,
    • This might also relate to my inability with groups generally
  • Train myself to be more empathetic
    • and bridge their train of thought into mine
• Also expressed my insights of the will
  • Strong will
  • having/being will
  • Map having a de-binary impact on my view of strengths of will / blockages
  • The significance and importance of the stages of the will
    • Relating to my stuckness at the moment and appreciating what benefits come with it

Therapist

• Helped my partner move through an important decision and letting go of the past potentialities
  • Highlights my lack of direction
• Talked about my relationship
  • Felt that we we a good fit, nerves because of this during initial stages
  • She dislikes my lack of romantic love and attention
    • Not sure I have ever really believed in romantic love
  • We have accepted each other as the parents of our child, and although not bad, isn’t exciting
  • I noted my lack of passion in life at the moment doesn’t help
• What do I believe in?
  • I accept full responsibility to provide agapic love towards my child
  • I enjoy the comfort / quirkiness / general enthusiastic doing in my family life (even though my partner would prefer more)
  • I believe in having less impact on the planet
• What can I do with a lack of passion?
  • I like coding, but only a bit, same with gardening, music, etc
    • Seems like a toy/distraction/self-deception
  • Am struggling picturing a career when I can’t allow myself to believe in it
• What do I relate to?
  • Feel like culture is in a circle of forgetting / reminding of different possible aspects of meaning and purpose, mostly based on immediate survival needs
  • Relate to Dascates/Hobbes soulless existence
  • Find Kant’s romantic connection with imaginary too randomFind Nietzsche’s self-deception Will as an example of the process I’ve been spat out of at work.

Therapy session

• Picked out the rise of the achiever through my parents relationship with each other and my relationship with my brother and friends
  • The need to be:
    • Of worth, being the one capable of solving issues
    • Or being skilled and manipulating in an impressive way
    • Friendships require being something of interest, that stands out from the rest
  • The impact it has on unhealthy behaviours such as
    • My current anxiety of being technically prepared for employment or being of service just in case someone would benefit from me being there
    • My hiding away from relating, and instead
• What do I do with these thoughts? What am I trying to achieve here?
  • Am I trying to accept who I am and roll with it,
  • OR fix / train myself?
  • OR contain areas to allow other areas to blossom?
• I feel like I am doing well at looking at project Joe from afar and not being emotionally connected with shame, guilt, or other defence mechanisms

Reflecting on my feeling in my youth

• Brother
  • Noticing I was more physically and mentally capable than my brother
  • Wanting to support him, but equally find him slow
  • Feelings of
  • Impatience
  • Frustrations
  • Bond
  • Seeing myself
• Sister
  • Distant, independent
  • I felt like I knew more than her, yet at times she shone very bright in some skills, like music and adventure. A bit like my mum.
• Mother
  • Independent, fun, rebellious, interesting, exciting at times
  • I generally felt quite free to be anything
  • Pulled about at times
• Dad
  • Not much to learn from
  • Solid background
  • Needed to hide part of my life from
• Best friend Chris
  • Very similar at times, but more conformist with passions I wasn’t concerned about
  • Both of us had lots of innocent energy and can do attitude
  • I was more cheeky
• Street friends
  • I felt very much liked and a main character in the group
• General
  • Until my first breakup I had been full of self-confidence
  • My mind couldn’t allow for non-inclusion / secretes / betrayal
  • Free to be different
  • Take action straight away…. Why not
  • Poor english never seemed to worry me, except for reading out aloud. However, I wasn’t resistant when asked.
  • Enjoyed my english teachers rock-and-roll cheekiness and followed his lead in improvising in the swing group

Anxious need to update my tech knowledge

• Feeling quite overwhelmed and anxious that I might not be knowledgeable enough if I returned to a coding career. So I decided to refresh myself with what I would need to know in order to string some services together as I see them needed, along with exploring some current frameworks to support that.
• I have made a list and dug in with some example apps and got quite far. However, I soon realised the complexities and struggles of getting things working well together.
• I now question again if I want to spend my time plugging code or systems together. For what purpose?!
• I looked up at the clouds and noticed
  • How disconnected I had become from the reality that was outside my tiny insular problem solving mindset
  • How it takes some time to pull myself out from the details and feel balanced with all that is
  • How difficult it is to keep both the detail and the gestalt in view
  • How there is a choice as both would be hard to sustain
  • How studying life and reflecting that back on the world might provide me with a stronger connectedness with reality and the life around me
• Other thoughts as to why I was feeling anxious and how I dealt with it
  • Maybe I am distracting myself,
  • Maybe i am tired of studying
  • Maybe I was preparing myself for potentiality
  • Maybe I was testing the boundary
  • Maybe the contact from Neil triggered this need
  • Maybe I just needed to get ready to produce my coursework as a website

Therapy session

• How I felt during RD
  • Impatient
• Email - don’t feel like revisiting but should do as that is not how I would like to be treated
• Homework:
  • Autobiography
  • Feeling in my teens

Therapy session

• We discussed:
  • that many of my chosen points to write about were emotional triggers. I explained that they were probably chosen as salient due to the dynamic of uncontrollability they possessed due to not having the maturity in character to have agency within them.
  • My need for mastery might have been an avoidance. Find meaning within the container and avoid other responsibility
  • My want for true friendship, how I go about achieving it, why I feel like I miss the mark and how I safeguard myself from failure. For example, dropping people quickly so as not to feel like I am being of burden.
  • Maybe I didn’t have enough containment in my childhood. Noted that benefits the life of a self-deceived entrepreneur, but less as a conforming manager.
  • Future focus on Negation to my emotional life

Therapy session

• Explained my recent insight. We had a difference of opinion when it came to the will. I suggested we might require self-deception to create meaning, she spoke of the will with more of a intuitional drive.
• Covered my discomfort with the communication channels with my previous career. I described my strategic approach and action inertia and was advised to come into connection with my intuition. Bought the recommended books Eugene Gendlin, Focusing, and Waking the Tiger, Peter Levine
• Autobiography was not covered but priority next week.
• The session felt far too short again. Maybe I just have the energy to continue non-stop

First session with therapist

• It was very fast. I had enough time to verbalise my story and decide on how best to use our time together. Very happy she seemed to understand some of the modals I was using in my descriptions. I don’t have faith that the season is long enough to get deep about anything, so I suggested we could focus on one topic at a time.

Preparations for psychosynthesis course

• Start journal (this) by bring up to date
• Write High level course structure
• Order foundations google docs folder in prep for workbook

Preparations for personal therapist

• Start autobiography notes
• Snapshot of Personal character map. Including and salience ordering of values, capable arenas/mediums, vision
• Snapshot of salient questions

Conversations with Joshua

• What is a highly beneficial and plausible occupation right now and into the future?
• Above satisfying personal survival needs, such as finances to pay the bills and family attention to connect and satisfy the needs of my immediate loved ones.

Meaning

• Immersion in the details of a container promotes a self-deception of reality. It is visible through my own experience the beliefs I had for the benefit of the container while immersed in it were strongly purposeful, yet outside the container could seem meaningless or trivial.
• If the arena is correct, then it would include support for the agent being human and all the facets and limitations that come with that.
• Beliefs seem important in order to maintain the existing structures. If we all put our attention on metadata, many survival needs, such as health, security, law would collapse.

Therefore, to support the creation of transcendable arenas for all humanity might not be a positive strategy.

Personal integration

• Possible occupation of a coach
• Music for me would benefit as an expression of my agency for others to reflect from

Company integration

• Companies encourage a shared cultural ideology and orientation of the individuals that work there, but are often orientated towards capitalism values due to their need for survival in the current culture. What would it take for a company to listen to the idea of transcendence?
• Companies such as Shell and BT have announced the orientation away from the use of fossil fuels. However, their motivation might be from the wrong source, being one of survival pressure need to continue their existing capitalism values of growth instead of agape love for the other (environment)