Reflecting on my feeling in my youth

• Brother
  • Noticing I was more physically and mentally capable than my brother
  • Wanting to support him, but equally find him slow
  • Feelings of
  • Impatience
  • Frustrations
  • Bond
  • Seeing myself
• Sister
  • Distant, independent
  • I felt like I knew more than her, yet at times she shone very bright in some skills, like music and adventure. A bit like my mum.
• Mother
  • Independent, fun, rebellious, interesting, exciting at times
  • I generally felt quite free to be anything
  • Pulled about at times
• Dad
  • Not much to learn from
  • Solid background
  • Needed to hide part of my life from
• Best friend Chris
  • Very similar at times, but more conformist with passions I wasn’t concerned about
  • Both of us had lots of innocent energy and can do attitude
  • I was more cheeky
• Street friends
  • I felt very much liked and a main character in the group
• General
  • Until my first breakup I had been full of self-confidence
  • My mind couldn’t allow for non-inclusion / secretes / betrayal
  • Free to be different
  • Take action straight away…. Why not
  • Poor english never seemed to worry me, except for reading out aloud. However, I wasn’t resistant when asked.
  • Enjoyed my english teachers rock-and-roll cheekiness and followed his lead in improvising in the swing group

Anxious need to update my tech knowledge

• Feeling quite overwhelmed and anxious that I might not be knowledgeable enough if I returned to a coding career. So I decided to refresh myself with what I would need to know in order to string some services together as I see them needed, along with exploring some current frameworks to support that.
• I have made a list and dug in with some example apps and got quite far. However, I soon realised the complexities and struggles of getting things working well together.
• I now question again if I want to spend my time plugging code or systems together. For what purpose?!
• I looked up at the clouds and noticed
  • How disconnected I had become from the reality that was outside my tiny insular problem solving mindset
  • How it takes some time to pull myself out from the details and feel balanced with all that is
  • How difficult it is to keep both the detail and the gestalt in view
  • How there is a choice as both would be hard to sustain
  • How studying life and reflecting that back on the world might provide me with a stronger connectedness with reality and the life around me
• Other thoughts as to why I was feeling anxious and how I dealt with it
  • Maybe I am distracting myself,
  • Maybe i am tired of studying
  • Maybe I was preparing myself for potentiality
  • Maybe I was testing the boundary
  • Maybe the contact from Neil triggered this need
  • Maybe I just needed to get ready to produce my coursework as a website