What do we mean by relational dynamics?

We humans are relational beings. For this reason the dynamics of our relations with other people are of vital importance. Throughout our lives we are in some way in relationship with everyone around us, even if we choose to ignore them. Ignoring someone is one particular way of being in relationship to them, often of greater impact than simply saying “Hi”.

How we relate to the other is of crucial importance within our lives. We tend to grade our relationships, reserving our deepest, most intimate interactions for those to whom we are closest. This is natural. However, as Psychosynthesis practitioners, we seek to be in touch with our higher qualities and values. This means respecting the other even when we may not like the more we see them as having negative qualities. It means seeing the higher qualities and values in the other also.

Martin Buber’s book, I and Thou, makes the important point that in our daily lives we tend to relate to people very often as an It rather than a Thou. Think about your last deep interaction with another human being, and you will see how you were seeing the other as a fully rounded human, someone who has an I just as you have an I. You are relating to them as to a Thou. Now think about how you were when you bought a coffee this morning, with the person behind the till, or when you took a proffered newspaper from someone in the street. Did you relate to them as a fully rounded human being with an interior life and with spiritual values, or did you see them as a means to an end? Perhaps you didn’t really “see” them at all. That is what it means to treat someone as an It, an object, if you will. It’s almost inevitable if you live in a large city like London. We really cannot have an I-Thou relationship with the people jostling against us in the crowded tube train.

But how would it be if we all tried harder? To see the Self in the coffee shop barista, to appreciate their service, their busyness on our behalf. What difference might that make in our lives?

Speaking about the inner work that needs to be done if we are to work in the world for more peace between nations, tribes and individuals, Simon Fisher inSpirited Living says,

[A]t this point we find we need our enemies or opponents: they are a real gift to us. Because when we look at those we feel hostile to, and examine our own thoughts and emotions towards them, we find there, in those aspects where we have the strongest feelings, elements of our own shadow… We have to address the issues in ourselves, because they can prevent us seeing clearly the issues for others, but also because they help us grow.

This is best done in a safe environment, such as a facilitated group; hence the RD group. Like all groups, initially what happens is that trust needs to be built if the group is to work together. Paradoxically, by taking risks and sharing intimate parts of ourselves, we make the space safer. In a safe environment we can take more risks in challenging each other and in challenging ourselves. How might it be to risk owning that we don’t like something about one of the other group members? Can we do that respectfully yet honestly and with integrity? Are we willing to own our own feelings and experiences without blaming the other?

And that is the key, really. Being able to own what is in ourselves. Rather than, “Your anger is unacceptable, it’s scary”, we can say, “My Dad used to have terrible anger tantrums when we were little, and as a result I find it particularly scary when I hear a man being angry.” This way we can learn more about each other, and develop more understanding about human relationships in general.

What is the purpose of an RD group?

1. It is a place to bring interpersonal issues, things that concern you about the way you relate to others, that stop you living and relating as you might want to do.
2. It is an opportunity to look at how you are in the here and now, in relation to others. How do the patterns of the past affect the way you behave with other people in the present?
3. It is a group space, with group dynamics. The group setting can teach about interpersonal processes in a much more powerful way.
4. In the group you will learn about projection and splitting, which are psychological defence mechanisms, and which get in the way of good relationships with others.

For those who may be thinking of going on to be counsellors, it can help you have a real awareness of your patterns, and give you the chance to reflect on how they may affect your ability to be with a client. This self-awareness is vital if you are to become an ethical and self-reflective counsellor. Knowing ourselves in this way enables us to know our limitations and to know what personal qualities we may need to develop in order to be effective counsellors.

By using the RD group almost as a laboratory, you have a great opportunity to both learn about your issues and patterns in relation to other people and hopefully to try out new ways of being with others. Each of you will have different, indeed unique challenges in being authentic in this group, and equally each of you will bring your own unique contribution of gifts, strengths, insights and so on.

Another purpose of the RD group is to be together in a meaningful way, to be open to real meeting with each other. We want to create a safe group in which we can work psycho spiritually together from the context of the Self.

This kind of authenticity will mean that there will be confrontation and challenge within the interactions you have with one another as well as, hopefully warmth and support in a common endeavour. The RD group is not meant to be only a nice and smiley place.

Projection and Splitting

Projection is when we see things in other people that we don’t like, but actually they are either not there at all, or they make us more disturbed than they ought to be. This is because we are seeing in them parts of ourselves which we don’t like, but perhaps are unconscious of. We need to learn to take back our projections and see the other just as they are.

Splitting is separating good and bad, black and white. This means seeing some people as The Good Guys, and others as bad. Just because someone has offended me doesn’t make them a bad person, but if I haven’t recognised my own tendencies, I might demonise them in my mind. We need to learn that no-one is all good or all bad. Everyone has flaws and everyone has good qualities. It’s about trying to see the whole person.

Personal therapy

The RD group is not an alternative to personal therapy. It is a process group and not a therapy group, though obviously there will be some overlap. You should be seeing a training therapist.

What does the group offer?

Some thoughts

• A chance to be in a safe group that will in some way re-create the patterns of relating we learnt in our family and childhood groups, with the opportunity to gain more awareness of this, and move beyond it.
• A chance to be in a group in a more conscious way than ever before, and to receive open, honest and constructive feedback from others about their experience of us.
• A laboratory in which we can try out new ways of being.
• A place to be appropriately challenged and challenging.
• A chance to share and explore our insights about ourselves in a way that can help us reach a deeper understanding and the possibility of change.
• An opportunity for us to grow in our ability to relate non-judgmentally to others.
• An opportunity to see others as a Self within an unfolding story to which we may have an opportunity to contribute.
• A place in which to be nurtured and held as we endeavour to stay with the pain that may be evoked in our own process of unfolding, change and growth.
• A place to become more authentically human.

Some suggestions

1. Use I-statements “I was angry because I felt judged by you” NOT; “You are judgemental”. “I’m disappointed that I hear so little from you” NOT “You never say anything”. “I’m finding this discussion really difficult” NOT “You’re being difficult”.
2. Describe your feelings and your reactions to the other, rather than your observations about them “When you said that, I felt bored “NOT” You seem detached and uninterested in the group.”
3. Take responsibility for your own feelings and reactions rather than holding the other person responsible, or blaming them: “I feel angry about that” NOT “You made me angry with your behaviour”.
4. Try not to be a therapist for other people, and instead reflect on your response to their words: “I was really moved by what you said, and I was left wanting to take care of you” NOT “It sounds hard for you, and I wonder if you need to look after yourself more”.

Reading list

Buber, Martin (1984) I and Thou. Transl. Ronald Gregor Smith. T.8, T.Clark Ltd, Edinburgh Fisher, Simon (2004) Spirited Living: Waging Conflict, Building Peace. Quaker Books, London